i tend to mimick others.
in their behaviours, words, ideas, beliefs, emotions, and dress. i do this because i don't have a defined sense of myself. or rather, i don't have a sense of myself that is secure and acceptable.
i suppose everybody has that similar problem, because nothing is original anymore, and because your person now is a collection of what you've learned and picked up throughout your life, with input from every information source you've ever contacted, be it person, place, or thing.
and the mind has a way of tricking you. it will make you believe that it's your own, or it can manipulate you into doing opposites in order to bring attention to some complex you might have.
me, i get very mixed up and therefore send very mixed messages. i want to be my own person (knowing full well it's not really authentic) by feeling my own emotions and believing what i want to believe. but even though i steal what others are doing, i don't want them to steal from me. for example, when other people feel an emotion for me. or when somebody else wears their hair like mine. because those, i feel, are mine and it's no compliment to me when somebody takes the only thing i can claim my own. i should also mention that i'm very possessive about things i consider "mine." i have yet to analyze that, but i assure you it will come.
and if you think about it, what makes most people friends? their common interests. if you mirror this person while still maintaining a little of yourself, you're more likely to get along with them than you would if you were complete opposites. i am blaming this quality for the ease in which i get along with people. now that i'm thinking about it, it's rare that i've not gotten along with somebody when using those tactics. though when i've tried to "fit in," by being original, it's failed miserably.
** this text is using "original" and "mimick" in a broad sense, because rationally neither can be precisely attained in the big picture, ie. reality. moreso, not many people try for precise mirroring because they want to keep a piece of themselves. and as i explained earlier, there is no originality.
there's always more. i always have something to say and something to explain. but my mind loses its path as time runs out and i never fully finish. maybe someday i will, only, it's so very hard to return and finish because i change with every minute and i may have new theories and observations by the time i come back.
perhaps things happen for the better.
i'll get you my pretty - 2005-02-01
what a similar us - 2005-01-19
lately - 2005-01-02
i'm dying tomorrow - 2004-12-31
