what exactly is the part in us that wishes revenge? to retaliate our pain caused by others with pain to others caused by us?
i just can't figure it out right now. perhaps it's to grasp at a sort of balance and evenness in the world. but what justifies it?
as much as i try to be fair as possible i have to admit the guilty pleasure in making somebody who's hurt me -either knowingly or unknowingly- feel terrible. but i'm not certain if it's just me (or rather, if i'm in a minority) who takes it a step further and puts it in my own hands to punish myself for hurting someone else.
oh, the things i've made myself believe. if you convince yourself something for long enough without much opposing input, it takes forever to let go of that mindset. and all during that time if you never tell anyone what you are telling yourself, never giving them a chance to show you reality, you are less likely to believe it was any other way.
we're our own worst critics. despite how hard we try to prove things to the world and those in it, when it comes to the wire it's not satisfactory enough for us to believe we actually succeeded. we always could have done better.
i wonder if anybody truly likes themselves. somebody who doesn't have a shortcoming that they are quick to point out. i'd pay to meet somebody like that, because it would be like catching a leprechan i think.
and off topic- i'm disgusted at the lack of respect the general world has for anything at all. people demand to be respected but they cannot be respected unless they themselves respect. age, authoritative positions, gender, wealth, life experiences. . . do not merit respect alone. they may contribute to who you are, but respect must be earned by respecting others.
i like to imagine if i dictated the world, we'd live in a better place. perhaps that is just arrogance. but if i dictated the world (or if anybody did) there wouldn't be any more natural balance. some things happen for a reason.

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